Shorty Post: Poor Sasha

I guess we know who the favorite is, huh?

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Filed under Comedy, Humor, One minute read, Short Post

Now Trending: What’s Your Gender?

Is fashion ever dictated by what’s happening in the world? I used to think no, then I received an email from one of my favorite websites.

It turns out that, for the modern professional, the thing that’s trending now is – get ready – genderless suiting.

First of all, I didn’t even know that suiting was a word. It is, so let’s mark this post under TIL.

Getting back to the point: When I opened the Mango (note: Not the SNL Mango) email, I thought – hey, new work clothes inspiration! Then I saw #trendingnow Genderless Suiting, and these photos.

Screenshot 2016-02-24 09.19.30For the record, I do NOT understand fashion. My entire life is basically that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Meryl Streep is yelling at Ann Hathaway about a blue sweater not just being a blue sweater. I’m all – NO, IT’S JUST A BLUE SWEATER.

So maybe this genderless thing is because of a movement to see people not for their gender but instead who they are as people? Probably not because, again, I still think it’s just a blue sweater.

Hillary Clinton shows off the Uncle Fester winter 2016 line.

If this was an awards show:    omg Hill, who are you wearing? This is by Uncle Fester. It’s the Resting Bitch Face top in Mustard.

So what was the catalyst for this amazing new idea? I think it was the Uncle Fester fashion line that was apparently invented exclusively for Hillary Clinton.

Either way, I guess if you have no hips, or boobs, or are willing to tuck your man parts, you could totally rock these new trending outfits and people would have no idea if you’re from Mars or Venus.

PS – there’s way more examples of how to let people see you as you. More of the collection is here.

You’re welcome.

 

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February 24, 2016 · 3:39 pm

Boycotting Apple … the fruit

Today, a man who could end up being our leader called for a boycott of Apple. While he’s masquerading it as a response to the whole FBI thing, I think we all know what the real issue is: They didn’t take Trump’s advice over two years ago.

trumptweet

And while the world is busy not boycotting tech giant Apple, my brain is really busy boycotting apple(s)… and pretty much any other healthy food. And my body is boycotting exercise. Basically the only thing I can get both fully on board with is watching 30 Rock for the gazillionth time.

All of this matters because I am approximately a sperm whale’s brain away from the weight I want to be. For the past 13 months I’ve been trying to – sometimes successfully – lose weight. The nice part is that during this year+ fatventure a few of my co-workers have been striving stepping painfully closer to and further away from working toward the same goal.

We’re really there for each other – in the way that we encourage each other as we simultaneously snack on cookies. It’s perfect because we’re a great support system… except that maybe we aren’t.

What started out as feeling like you’d have the best bra ever turned into what I imagine it’s like hearing that John Mayer or Taylor Swift wrote a song about you.

So here I am, with a slightly expanding and shrinking waistline, jealous of actors who are commended for (healthily, I guess…) losing and gaining weight for roles (I’m less jealous of the diabetes), while I just sit here perpetually preparing for my protagonist role in the conversation of “I’m really sorry you didn’t lose weight this week. Me either. Should we go buy some chocolate?”

Where’s my award, Hollywood Foreign Press?    But here, this month, I am renewing my vow of actually trying. I will go to the gym. I will have salads for lunch, and not bread and cheese for dinner. I will not buy chocolate meant as a week’s worth of snacks and eat it all in one sitting.

Or, at the very least, I will try not to boycott apples. But from my cold dead hands you will have to snatch my iPhone, possibly President Trump.

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Filed under Comedy, Donald Trump, Election 2016, Humor, weight loss

Make a child: Brought to you by alcohol

I don’t actually like to shop. I like to say that I like shopping, but what I really like is walking around a store looking at all of the things that I’ll buy I could buy I will carry around in a basket for an hour before inevitably putting back and walking out empty handed.

Except for those times I go in for one specific thing and buy 14. I’m looking at you, Target.

Online shopping is a whole other ball game. I peruse Etsy and Amazon, check in on Woot at least once a day, and add items to wish lists like there’s no tomorrow. Again, rarely a purchase.

There’s always a game changer though: alcohol.

A few nights ago I had two drinks and clearly decided that Amazon was a really good place to visit. Where better than a place where you can buy new furniture, makeup, and a BB8 lego (seriously I want that damn thing so badly) to spend some intoxication time with the internet (aka your bestie)?

But then, instead of buying fun things, I adulted. So hard. I bought shampoo and a book on the brain. Responsibility hurts, you guys.

Then last night, I had one drink and texted my best friend (obvs), and this happened:

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Two things: I’m pretty sure alcohol is an unofficial sponsor of baby making anyway, and one day I might get really drunk and save the world by donating all of my money to a charity that actually exists. You’re welcome in advance.

What’s your fun/sad/adulting drunken purchase story? I hope you’ll share – and if you’re looking to feel better about yourself (or maybe even just laugh), check out this reddit post asking a similar question. Some of my favorite answers:

  • $200 sheet set (dat thread count)
  • A pallet of emergency green glow sticks
  • Business cards with the title “World’s Second Greatest Lover” on them

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February 18, 2016 · 12:26 pm

My dog spends more time making her bed than I do

I have this really beautiful, adorable greyhound who wants nothing more than to eat trash… presumably because the expensive dog food we get her isn’t nearly as fun as eating discarded ant traps or the Styrofoam packaging that accompanies raw meat.

But the thing she spends more time doing than trying to eat trash is making – then unmaking, then making again – her bed. I understand that (unlike the draw of eating things that will kill me) because it’s important to be comfortable when all you do all day is sleep and dream of ways to wreck nice things.

Well, when time-lapse video showed up with iOS 8, I of course took one of her making her bed. This was several minutes of effort, all cut down to a few seconds of greyhound adorableness.

Enjoy.

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Filed under Greyhounds, Short Post, Time-Lapse Video, Video, YouTube

That time it was an election year and nothing important was going on

It’s that fun time of year in New York when my husband loses most of the air in his lungs from sighing at election ads. If you’ve experienced commercials centered around people happily walking through their 500 acre backyards with their perfect nuclear family while a voice over simultaneously slams their opponent, you probably also revel in the fact that election day is almost here.

And while you might be thinking Yes, attack ads suck, but at least people are still trying to get things done to get elected or re-elected, the governor of New York might not have received that message*.

yogurt issuesToday – in the year 2014, and weeks before an election – our governor signed into law
the most groundbreaking piece of legislation ever
legislation so important that you never knew how awful your life had been
something that might matter to some people

Did you already guess? No? HE MADE YOGURT THE OFFICIAL SNACK FOOD OF NEW YORK STATE! And yes, that did have to be yelled because why the h do we even need an official snack food? Seriously, if you have an answer, I’d love to hear it.

Also, would you have chosen yogurt? If your answer is yes, I need you to really, really think about that. When you need a snack, the thing you think of is yogurt? Maybe you should be my life coach.

For anyone not familiar with Governor Andrew Cuomo, he’s rumored to be considering a run for President (because it’s not enough to decide the official snack of one state) and is known for the state’s marriage equality law and the SAFE Act (gun control law) – both among the laws passed by Message of Necessity – and now causing a rift with people who know what a freaking snack really is. He loves Messages of Necessity. He might even want to marry them because, as we all know (alert: completely logical argument coming), once same sex marriage is legal people will be able to marry whatever they want.

So here’s the thing – if we’re going to embrace yogurt as the official state snack, I’m calling on Ben & Jerry’s to make an official New York FroYo that will be called Gov. Cuomo’s Message of Necessitea. It will be green tea frozen yogurt. It will be awesome. And I will make tons of money. Right?

But really, yogurt is a pretty good idea for a snack, and there was some debate (“debate”?) about the idea (see screenshot above). And, considering there are only a handful of states that actually have an official state snack (obviously we need Cuomo as president) we’re doing pretty well.

The others? I’m so glad you asked. The Wire put together this fun-filled list. Here we go:

  • Utah | Jell-O (…yeah)
  • Texas | Tortilla Chips & Salsa (because just having chips is obscene)
  • South Carolina | Boiled Peanuts (there is – for real – a caveat put in so that parents whose kids have peanut allergies wouldn’t have to worry about schools being required to serve peanuts)
  • Illinois | Popcorn

So, at least we in New York aren’t known for consuming the most Jell-O per capita, right? Plus we don’t have to worry about parts of our official snack getting stuck between our teeth and making us look like jerks while we try to get it out without anyone noticing.

That said, I welcome your ideas for other official Empire State yogurt/frozen yogurt items. You’re all brilliant, beautiful creatures and I trust you have awesome ideas. Share them, please! Oh, and if your state doesn’t have an official snack yet, what would you make it?

*Maybe because it wasn’t Of Necessity.

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Sometimes life poops on you. Sometimes you get a blog post out of it.

My husband and I have some supremely adorable dogs. Sure, most dog owners – like most parents – will say that, but in our case it’s really really true.

Most of the time anyway.

Then today happened.

Tonight a friend and I decided to go running together so after I got home and changed, I packed up the dogs in the car and headed over to his house. Normally this 10ish minute trek is relatively low key. Occasionally, because they are greyhounds and I do not have a stretch limo, one will step on the other and it will end in growling or barking. Generally, that’s about it.

Most car trips

How most car trips go for us.

Our dog Bailey is very good about car rides. She gets in, she lies down, she doesn’t care what happens until the doors open again. Dylan, on the other hand, hasn’t quite figured out how to car yet. Possibly because while he wants to get comfortable, Bailey has already laid claim to most of the available space so he is forced to contort himself around where she is (read: he has basically no room).

So sometimes he does weird things like has his face near the back window and his butt between the car door and the driver’s seat. It’s not uncommon, so today when he did that I figured he was just trying to find a place where he could be without being growled at. Then it smelled like he farted.

It happens.

Then a few seconds later, I realized it wasn’t fart. It was poop.

Halfway through the 10 minute trip he decided he needed to go so badly that he couldn’t possibly hold it in. Likewise, he clearly couldn’t hold in his excitement at pooping in the car for the first (and hopefully last) time so he had to get it as close to me as humanly possible.

Sometimes there is harmony...

Sometimes there is harmony…

But, I was on a highway and would be arriving soon so I just opened the windows and dealt with it.

Then, about two minutes later, Bailey leapt over the thing that divides the front seat from the back and was suddenly my passenger. Not only that, in fact, but she was also wet.

Clearly not satisfied with just having pooed in my car, Dylan decided he should seal the gross deal by peeing… all over the back seat (which, luckily, was covered by a seat protector), including on his canine sister.

So, not the greatest car trip ever, but there is a silver lining: When I got to my friends’ house and told them what happened, they immediately got out some cleaning supplies and helped me de-gross my car.

I honestly have no idea what the lesson is here, with the exception that sometimes when life really has you questioning what the hell is going on in the world, the world makes your dog poo in your car and you just have to laugh and try not to throw up on your steering wheel.

I should write cards.

p.s. – I have a picture of the “incident”, but husband decided it was too much to include here. Apparently the gross part about this whole thing isn’t that it happened, but is instead that I made sure I had proof so you guys wouldn’t just think I was making this up.

I have so much to learn.

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Filed under Children, Humor