My dog spends more time making her bed than I do

I have this really beautiful, adorable greyhound who wants nothing more than to eat trash… presumably because the expensive dog food we get her isn’t nearly as fun as eating discarded ant traps or the Styrofoam packaging that accompanies raw meat.

But the thing she spends more time doing than trying to eat trash is making – then unmaking, then making again – her bed. I understand that (unlike the draw of eating things that will kill me) because it’s important to be comfortable when all you do all day is sleep and dream of ways to wreck nice things.

Well, when time-lapse video showed up with iOS 8, I of course took one of her making her bed. This was several minutes of effort, all cut down to a few seconds of greyhound adorableness.

Enjoy.

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Filed under Greyhounds, Short Post, Time-Lapse Video, Video, YouTube

That time it was an election year and nothing important was going on

It’s that fun time of year in New York when my husband loses most of the air in his lungs from sighing at election ads. If you’ve experienced commercials centered around people happily walking through their 500 acre backyards with their perfect nuclear family while a voice over simultaneously slams their opponent, you probably also revel in the fact that election day is almost here.

And while you might be thinking Yes, attack ads suck, but at least people are still trying to get things done to get elected or re-elected, the governor of New York might not have received that message*.

yogurt issuesToday – in the year 2014, and weeks before an election – our governor signed into law
the most groundbreaking piece of legislation ever
legislation so important that you never knew how awful your life had been
something that might matter to some people

Did you already guess? No? HE MADE YOGURT THE OFFICIAL SNACK FOOD OF NEW YORK STATE! And yes, that did have to be yelled because why the h do we even need an official snack food? Seriously, if you have an answer, I’d love to hear it.

Also, would you have chosen yogurt? If your answer is yes, I need you to really, really think about that. When you need a snack, the thing you think of is yogurt? Maybe you should be my life coach.

For anyone not familiar with Governor Andrew Cuomo, he’s rumored to be considering a run for President (because it’s not enough to decide the official snack of one state) and is known for the state’s marriage equality law and the SAFE Act (gun control law) – both among the laws passed by Message of Necessity – and now causing a rift with people who know what a freaking snack really is. He loves Messages of Necessity. He might even want to marry them because, as we all know (alert: completely logical argument coming), once same sex marriage is legal people will be able to marry whatever they want.

So here’s the thing – if we’re going to embrace yogurt as the official state snack, I’m calling on Ben & Jerry’s to make an official New York FroYo that will be called Gov. Cuomo’s Message of Necessitea. It will be green tea frozen yogurt. It will be awesome. And I will make tons of money. Right?

But really, yogurt is a pretty good idea for a snack, and there was some debate (“debate”?) about the idea (see screenshot above). And, considering there are only a handful of states that actually have an official state snack (obviously we need Cuomo as president) we’re doing pretty well.

The others? I’m so glad you asked. The Wire put together this fun-filled list. Here we go:

  • Utah | Jell-O (…yeah)
  • Texas | Tortilla Chips & Salsa (because just having chips is obscene)
  • South Carolina | Boiled Peanuts (there is – for real – a caveat put in so that parents whose kids have peanut allergies wouldn’t have to worry about schools being required to serve peanuts)
  • Illinois | Popcorn

So, at least we in New York aren’t known for consuming the most Jell-O per capita, right? Plus we don’t have to worry about parts of our official snack getting stuck between our teeth and making us look like jerks while we try to get it out without anyone noticing.

That said, I welcome your ideas for other official Empire State yogurt/frozen yogurt items. You’re all brilliant, beautiful creatures and I trust you have awesome ideas. Share them, please! Oh, and if your state doesn’t have an official snack yet, what would you make it?

*Maybe because it wasn’t Of Necessity.

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Sometimes life poops on you. Sometimes you get a blog post out of it.

My husband and I have some supremely adorable dogs. Sure, most dog owners – like most parents – will say that, but in our case it’s really really true.

Most of the time anyway.

Then today happened.

Tonight a friend and I decided to go running together so after I got home and changed, I packed up the dogs in the car and headed over to his house. Normally this 10ish minute trek is relatively low key. Occasionally, because they are greyhounds and I do not have a stretch limo, one will step on the other and it will end in growling or barking. Generally, that’s about it.

Most car trips

How most car trips go for us.

Our dog Bailey is very good about car rides. She gets in, she lies down, she doesn’t care what happens until the doors open again. Dylan, on the other hand, hasn’t quite figured out how to car yet. Possibly because while he wants to get comfortable, Bailey has already laid claim to most of the available space so he is forced to contort himself around where she is (read: he has basically no room).

So sometimes he does weird things like has his face near the back window and his butt between the car door and the driver’s seat. It’s not uncommon, so today when he did that I figured he was just trying to find a place where he could be without being growled at. Then it smelled like he farted.

It happens.

Then a few seconds later, I realized it wasn’t fart. It was poop.

Halfway through the 10 minute trip he decided he needed to go so badly that he couldn’t possibly hold it in. Likewise, he clearly couldn’t hold in his excitement at pooping in the car for the first (and hopefully last) time so he had to get it as close to me as humanly possible.

Sometimes there is harmony...

Sometimes there is harmony…

But, I was on a highway and would be arriving soon so I just opened the windows and dealt with it.

Then, about two minutes later, Bailey leapt over the thing that divides the front seat from the back and was suddenly my passenger. Not only that, in fact, but she was also wet.

Clearly not satisfied with just having pooed in my car, Dylan decided he should seal the gross deal by peeing… all over the back seat (which, luckily, was covered by a seat protector), including on his canine sister.

So, not the greatest car trip ever, but there is a silver lining: When I got to my friends’ house and told them what happened, they immediately got out some cleaning supplies and helped me de-gross my car.

I honestly have no idea what the lesson is here, with the exception that sometimes when life really has you questioning what the hell is going on in the world, the world makes your dog poo in your car and you just have to laugh and try not to throw up on your steering wheel.

I should write cards.

p.s. – I have a picture of the “incident”, but husband decided it was too much to include here. Apparently the gross part about this whole thing isn’t that it happened, but is instead that I made sure I had proof so you guys wouldn’t just think I was making this up.

I have so much to learn.

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Filed under Children, Humor

Shorty post: This company seems awesome (and real)

Last night one of my best friends and I had a night out away from boys, dogs and kids… it was glorious. In our travels, we came across this written on a sidewalk.

Apparently all you need to start a business is some chalk, a website that people probably can’t get to and some bad English.

yourDoes anyone know where I can get a keyboard that includes backwards letters? I’m really interested in this great opportunity. I mean, come on, there are two exclamation points, how could I not want to jump on this bandwagon!?

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Something old, something new, something borrowed, something breakdown inducing

You know how sometimes things happen to you… like winning the lottery… and at first it’s all angels singing from on high and you’ll never have to worry about anything ever again, and you could possibly even pull off that scene from Indecent Proposal* (or DuckTales) where you roll around on a pile of money.

*I’ve never seen that movie, so I am only about 10% sure that actually happened.

Then it becomes more like The Jerk and you realize you aren’t black (unless you are) and that suddenly having all this money is not a good thing because all these people just keep asking you for things and it’s overwhelming and you’re forced to watch videos of people cat juggling but at least you have water coolers full of wine out by your tennis courts.

Admittedly if you haven’t seen that movie that doesn’t mean anything to you. Just go watch it real quick… I’ll wait… Oh, or you could just watch this.

So that overwhelming feeling that comes from something really good, that’s what I’m going through right now.

Next weekend I’m getting married… and I couldn’t be less excited about it if I tried. I want to be married, but the whole process of getting married just seems so unnecessary. I would be fine with “Do you, girl, take this guy?” “Do you, guy, take this girl?” Ceremony over.

But apparently that’s not what most people do.

They aren't showing their heads because they are both really stressed out... right?

They aren’t showing their heads because they are both really stressed out… right?

We settled on a small ceremony (10ish people) in a place that’s TBD with a ceremony we have yet to finish writing. Then today we went to get our marriage license and this guy was all mean and “You haven’t decided if you’re changing your name?” And I’m all “No, Snarky McKhakis” and he’s all “Well you have to decide before the ceremony because this has to go to THE STATE and we can’t change it after that.”

Then I started crying. I actually did make it out of the building first, though.

Is it just me or does it seem like this whole getting married thing is a WORLD easier for men? As far as I can tell, all they have to do is show up dressed appropriately.

I had to flipping try on 12 dresses that each made my hips look like someone attached Dolly Parton’s boobs to my hips. That was loads of fun. Then it’s all “Don’t gain any weight because the dress fits!” from the crazy 10 pound Asian woman doing the alterations. “Thanks, Obvious McThumbelina, I hadn’t considered that.”

The whole deciding to change my last name thing is giving me way more anxiety than I anticipated. I was never the girl who dreamed of getting married and all the colors or the dresses or where it would be, so I never thought about my last name. It never occurred to me that my name would become who I am. It means something – for better or worse. My professional network isn’t vast, but people know who I am based on both parts of my name.

Never in my life did I dream I’d have to think so much about this.

A friend shared a link on my FB wall from the Huffington Post about how an increasing number of women are changing their last names. I’m wondering if the decision is just easy for all of these people that aren’t me.

It’s not that I am stuck on keeping my name, or averse to taking his; my problem is that I’ve suddenly been given a week to decide this pretty big thing, when I had no idea that would be the case, and it’s just exacerbated how much about this whole process of getting married I really hate. Again, I am excited to be married… I love my fiance more than anything… except maybe baby ducks. It’s probably a tie.

Maybe I’ll end up changing it to something completely different. A friend recommended Bluth… which would be awesome since we’re getting married on the day the new season of Arrested Development is being released on Netflix.

So… who’s been there? If you’re married, what did you decide to do? If you aren’t, have you already decided what you’ll do someday?

Also, how much alcohol should I plan to consume in the next week to get through this whole thing? Oh! Maybe I’ll change my name to Mimosa!

Yup… that screams great idea.

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Filed under Comedy, Rants

Shorty post: How my mind works on Saturday mornings

Well, maybe every morning… it’s hard to say.

Anyway, this morning I checked the Associated Press for any breaking news, etc. and saw the headline “China installs Cabinet” and my immediate thought was How did it figure out how to use the tools?

Image

If a plate built this… you’d be impressed.

So then I obviously followed that up with This is what happens when we use the same word for a country and, you know, stuff we eat off of.

Then, because my brain wasn’t done working yet: I wonder if there’s a place called Fork. And, if there is, I wonder if they have any sports teams. Also there should be a place called Egg and they would also have to have some team… maybe football. Then the two could play against each other in… I don’t know, the Super Bowl for oddly named places? The headline could totally be “Fork beats Egg to win game.”

HOLY CRAP there IS a Fork city! It’s the logging capital of the world… obviously. I wonder if they have a Springfield/Shelbyville relationship with nearby cities. I bet they all scream out “Fork you!”

The closest I can find to egg is Egg Harbor Township in New Jersey. Nice try, Jersey, but that is simply not going to cut it.

OK it’s clearly time for me to eat so I can have normal thoughts today at some point.

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My dog shows her love by trashing my house

I love my dog. I know this is true because never in my life did I think I’d be OK with picking up the poop of another living creature.

Sometimes, though, Bailey Bug (a tuxedo greyhound for anyone interested) dances on the line between cute and how long do I have to wait before I have to take you to the vet because you ate a whole crapload of stuff you shouldn’t have.

Guess which side she landed on today.

I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves on this post, but just one thing to note: All that brown stuff on the living room floor that looks like coffee grounds is, in fact, flavoring specialty grains from when the fiance and I made beerthat we can drink in a month.

I was worried she might be on a caffeine high (when I thought it was coffee), but now I just need to make sure I don’t have a drunk dog. She was fine on her walk, but given the fact that she never walks in a straight line, the world may just never know.

Board

We were doing so well, too.

Pantry

Garbage, meet floor.

coffee

In fairness, the specialty beer whatever is right next to the coffee bag, so obviously I would immediately think it was coffee!

Bag

I have no idea why this appealed to her. At all.

My best guess here is that when she noticed the door was open, she had to contain herself until the house was empty of those who walk on two legs before she could go all bananas. The worst part, in my opinion, is that there is no video of this because I would LOVE to put that to Benny Hill and watch it 1,000 times.

And really, even if I wanted to be mad, look at this face! You just can’t be mad at her…

Bed bug

She’s very proper… when she isn’t digging through the trash.

 

 

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